The New Mrs. Fraser – “We gon’ party like it’s your wedding day.”
Just one thing before I launch into my trip recap. Yesterday my eldest sister, Rebecca, walked down the aisle to give her hand in marriage to her long-time boyfriend, Jared. The two had been dating for 5 years before tying the knot, and yesterday they became newlyweds. A weather system which included torrential rain, thunder and lightening, and even hail, cleared just one hour before the outdoor ceremony was scheduled to begin. Thankfully, the sun came out and the vows went off without a hitch. The rain was inconvenient at the time, but you know what they say, “no rain, no rainbows.” After that everything went swimmingly. There was lots of awkward dancing, people capitalizing on the the buffet, and best of all no one made an ass out of themselves. I even found time managed to pull myself away from the open bar just long enough to give a toast, which I posted below, along with some Polaroid photos I took of the reception. Check it out:
I would like to congratulate Rebecca and Jared on this most joyous of occasions, their union in marriage. Today is the day when two people unite as one. Today is the day when when two people commit themselves to one another unconditionally. Today is the day my sister takes a new last name. Today is also the day when they can officially qualify for spousal benefits on their tax returns.
But before these two embark on their journey into married life, I would like to offer a few words of advice to my now brother-in-law, Jared. Now that we’re brothers, I think there are few things you should know about Rebecca. Things that only a brother could know. Things that can only be learned the hard way, through years of bickering, teasing, button-pushing, and line-crossing.
There is an old Italian proverb that says “Wise men learn by other men’s mistakes, fools by their own,” and Jared, as we all know, is no fool… a San Francisco Giants Fan, yes, but no fool. So it is in the hopes that you might avoid any future headaches that I shall pass these hard-won life tips on to you.
Tip no 23: Do not attempt to explain the rules of American football to your new wife. For the record, Rebecca, a fifty yard gain will only result in one first down, not five.
Tip no 61: Do not call her Becky. Never, ever, call her Becky, unless you enjoy sleeping in your garden.
Tip no. 70: When you go out to eat at a restaurant, do not eat her leftovers and then strategically try to redistribute the food around the Styrofoam container so that it looks as if you hadn’t touched it. No matter how clever you think you are, she will notice, and she will be pissed.
Tip no 93: Do not wear white after labor day. This has nothing to do with Rebecca, but it is sound fashion advice.
Let me skip ahead here real quick. there are too many to choose from. (Flip ahead through several pages of scrap paper)
Tip no 1430: If Rebecca is causing you run late for a function, do not roll your eyes and call her a “diva.” Trust me, this will only make things worse…much much worse.
So there you have it, Jared. if you want to see the rest of the list I can print out another copy for you and hopefully I won’t use all the ink in the ink cartridge (Rebecca hates that too). If you remember these few tips, things should go much more smoothly. As columnist and psychologist Joyce Brothers once said “Marriage is not just a spiritual communion, it’s also remembering to take out the trash.”
And to Rebecca, I would like to thank you for being such a great sister, even when I was so mercilessly pushing your buttons and you probably had every right to actually physically harm me. You’ve always been the most adult of all the Schwimmer children (sorry Jessie) and now that I am a little older myself, I want to tell you that I am incredibly envious of your maturity, patience, and ability to love no matter how much someone drives you up a wall. I love you and wish you nothing but the best. Cheers.
So there you have it. My sister now has a new husband, a new last name, and a big new shiny ring. And what do I have? Leftovers. Lots and lots of leftovers. A successful wedding indeed.