I’ve been looking for work for about a month now and can safely say that it’s probably the 2nd most depressing, disheartening, and mundane things a person can do, right after actually working at a real job of course. Lots people who work for a living think I just loaf around all day, which is completely untrue. I only loaf for 30% of the day. The rest of the time is spent either eating or wallowing in self-pity. So, in an effort to dispel the myths and quell the confusion, I present you with a break down of my most recent non-working work day:
7:00 am: Woke up, realized I had no job, went back to sleep.
9:00 am: Woke up again and got ready for the day (read: put on a shirt). Noticed I had my shorts on inside out and backwards but decided it was too much hassle to fix them.
9:15 am: Went online and scoured my usual stomping grounds of Craigslist, Monster, Idealist, HotJobs and any other online job board available. I know this is mostly futile, but at least it helps me feel like I’m making progress. Progress towards what I don’t really know, but I try nonetheless.
11:00 am: Thought about going for a run but realized that would require me to fix my shorts. Decided instead to Wikipedia the word “wiki.” Results disappointing. I did learn, however, that today is World Pi Approximation Day, which is ironic because lately I feel like I’m walking around in circles.
12:00 pm: Took a break from my intense internet browsing session and decided to have a healthy snack. Ended up eating two microwavable quesidillas and a plum.
12:45 pm: Back to the stomping grounds and surprise, surprise: nothing new.
2:00 pm: Went outside and threw the tennis ball for the dog. Came to the conclusion that the dog and I aren’t all that different. Neither of us have jobs and all we do is sleep and eat all day. The main difference is that I have $15,000 in student loans to pay back, while she sometimes eats her own poop.
2:30 pm: Called someone about a possible interview. They said they would have to reschedule to an undetermined date. Wondered aloud why God hated me so much.
3:00 pm: Played guitar while watching TV. Tried to make up new music for the commercials. Think I might have a future as a jingle writer. Now if only I could make the fat cats in Hollywood agree.
4:00 pm: Went online again to look for any new job postings. Got distracted. Ended up watching YouTube videos of kittens and puppies playing together.
4:30 pm: Read a chapter in a self-help book that said job-seekers should look to accomplish small tasks and celebrate their achievements. Took the passage to heart and fixed my shorts. Celebrated this occasion by eating a fudge-sicle.
5:00 pm: Would you look at that? The work day is over. My did that go by quickly, and by quickly I mean crept by slower than a 3-legged turtle across a freshly tarred country road. Regardless, it was time to pack up and head home. Turns out there is one bright spot to being unemployed…no commute.
Related Viewing: “Circles” – Soul Coughing – Live on Letterman